what lies beyond the dream?

dont know why.
im really beginning to hate myself.
im so loathesome.
an ugly mind above and ugly heart masked by an ugly face.

i dont know why
when heipo first asked me "do you think peter can pick me up?"
the first question that popped into my mind was
"when did you get to know him so closely?"
then i thought,
"yeah, he's from hk afterall. its not like she doesnt know him."
"and he can speak cantonese! unlike me."

i gradually ignored it. i dont mind. my friends are your friends. sure.
or so i thought.

and then today
she told me about Ryo. how he asked her if she wanted to go too.
"wow, she even has ryo on her msn list now? when was that?"
and then ithought to myself "what is the problem with _ME_?"
of course she can have Ryo on her contacts list
its not like, she has to tell me about it. what am i? over protective?
i was surprised. to say the least.
they're my friends... right? i just dont know

but...
now i dont even doubt she might even have ricky on her list.

this jealousy will pass.
they're just either bigger than me, or richer than me.
who cares, right?
its not like im... confident in myself... or anything

you sure know where to poke my confidence where its weakest.

forget it.
im just still
too immature.
its me. my problem. totally me.

i guess its that i chose not to mingle with your friends

and i end up typing this again.
and i know i will end up hurting you.
and you're just too kind to tell me.
or you let me know ever so gently... with your tears...
and i take this for granted. always.

i am important.....
so i dont want to hurt you anymore.

jealousy?