what lies beyond the dream?

went to see ah ma yesterday.
somehow, it just feels so sad.
like an example of man beaten by time.
her recent memories are completely messed up.
somethings she remembers from long ago, but rmemebers it as recent.
its a day i dont think i will forget in the near future.

i would have broken down many times in that room
but, guys would always instinctively fight their sorrow.

i chanced upon my uncle's visage
he looked away
there are times he even tried to laugh it off
his very own mother, sitting on the bed
my dad, just looked away.

my grandma was a thin as a stick.
she was so tiny, literally.
they said she refused to eat.
and so it must be true...
they tied her hands down to the posts. they said she gets violent at night.

there are things she would talk about, periodically, in every physics sense of the word.
she would go through them like being in a cycle
she asked about me 4 or 5 times. pointing the guy sitting in the corner.
saying she remembers me as a kid who's barely able to read

and she would comment on how nice we are, people who would visit her
all the way from singapore. it is a long drive.
she would bring her sleeves up to her eyes, drying her tears.
as she has. probably. for many nights.
she doesnt remember anyone visiting her
even though they do.

my cousin passed away in march.
they said, i hope they werent joking, that my grandma had killed him.
he was he only son of that uncle. he passed away.
they said he had taken a fall in the toilet. he was in there for hours.
how could a strong man of 29 die from taking a fall in the toilet?
my other cousins couldnt comprehend.
what they could see, was my grandma cursing at them everyday, and even
carrying my cousin's portrait walking around in the morning.

his daughter, now singly parented by her mother, would wake up in the nights
playing, laughing by herself.
when asked, who killed her father, she'd say grandma...
the other cousins were thoroughly confused. who'd teach her such a thing?
when they confronted her again, she said it was her dad...
that was scary. really. scary. a child of age 3 wont lie...

anyway
my mum was the only one who couldnt hold back enough.
she teared. she didnt cry. she was strong. she teared.

in the end we lied. my dad said we had to go work.
my grandma adores hard workers. in school and at work.
she had no idea... and she probably wont even remember that we even visited.
then whats the point? are we just alleviating our guilt?

we left
leaving my grandma, the broken tape recorder of a woman
one who's raised many children strongly.

i couldnt cry. i couldnt cry.