what lies beyond the dream?

feifei has made me realize one thing.
the only, sole, bastardly reason i cannot put _that girl_ down
is because deep down within me
i still hope that i can be with her.
fuck.

i blame hope.

i know that i can never be with a girl who doesnt love me.
just as i cant be with a girl i dont totally love.
but just longing to be with her, gives me so much hope
and reason to go on, that its not something i can easily give up.

I would like to think
My desires stop at helping her attain happiness.
because i think she is an extremely unhappy girl.

And it could be because... she bears no hope.
no hope for the future.
for the two of them.

Hoping is a crime.
Not hoping is also a crime.

"Love? Love is for the living, Sal." - vgcats

I was going to blog about something else in a separate post, but
that would make me closer to 100.
so i'll blog it here.
thereby delaying the impending doom, giving me much time to ponder stuff over.

A strong person is one who can independently support himself
without the help of others. Independent of time.
A stronger person, is one who can bring strength to others.

I see my dad as an extremely strong person.
He doesnt depend on anyone,
and he's always ready to take on anything from menial, time consuming tasks to huge, consequential projects.
And his motivation has always largely been for the benefit of others.
Practical beyond all imagination, everything i ask of him, he would put into 2 categories
things i can do for myself, and things i cant.
every thing i cant, he would help me out immensely.
every thing i can, he would still help me out.

I want to become stronger. =/