what lies beyond the dream?

happy lunar new year guys,
leaving the depression behind in the past year, life is going to get busy again
best way to forget depression is to get busy, right?

tonnes of homework to do, tonnes of stuff to go through,
revision, midterm, eng paper,

i went to Jane's cny party yesterday
lots of exchange students and extension students there
didnt really know anyone though, but it felt nice.
i was a little out of it at first, i must admit. =/
but later, somehow, something clicked.
and i think, just a little, i was able to find my old self back.
but once my brain stopped working, the stoic self took over again.
must try not to let that happen~
i want my old self back. really. =/

~~~this part of the post is dedicated to Kanna Nakamura~~~
sorry Kanna. T_T

i didnt go back to the B.A.
in fact, i'd admit, i was depressed because i didnt want to go back.
and i didnt want to go back, because i was afraid.
i was afraid of what i did not know.
and i was afraid that i'd know.
im afraid this story goes a while back, but if you would lend me yours ears, and listen to my story.
its not a particularly interesting story. nor is it anything new. it was sad, for me.

Back then in the day, i could not see eye to eye with a friend, K.
as you might remember from previous posts,
he was... not exactly a morally straight individual.
and when i stopped seeing eye to eye with him
he spread something i'd call _horrible rumours_ about me to my friends.
well. to me, at least, they are horrible rumours.
words, when chained together, compromised my integrity.

one thing i'd certainly like to think of myself, is that im not a traitor.
should a dear one come up to me, admitting horrible mistakes
maybe i wont be able to forgive him. but i definately will stand by him.
If i were a fellow accomplice in a crime, i would not rat you out.
i realise that by saying that, my moralities are in itself, doubtful,
but, coming all the way here, the only people you can rely on, are friends.
and there is an unwritten, unspoken truth about friends.
and that is that, i will trust you.

so these rumours, learned of them.
in fact, i suspected these rumours existed before i learned of them.
and i know they will destroy all that i hold dear.
but it was too late.

before long, i was known to my friends as a traitor.
as the guy who ratted his accomplice out.
and people bought it. hook, line and sinker.
and i lost the trust of my friends.

reminiscing about this past,
i can still remember their eyes
the cold, demeaning looks.
was i imagining it all?

That was me, at that time. That is still me.

now i realised that i could be totally entirely wrong.
well, not entirely. my dearest K _did spread rumours_.
did people trust me less? yeah, probably.
but it was because of my fear
i was afraid. really.
and i began to close myself away from the people i call friends
wasnt that how it all began?
maybe they avoided me. but i avoided them too, didnt i?
did i lose them, or did they lose me?
i'll never know. because i've never tried.

But i realised that, i think, largely because of Kanna.
I was set to going back to the bay area this long weekend,
and i wanted to meet this dearest friend who i've not seen since DVC.
i guess i've met everyone else after that.
but i was so afraid, that i'd already lost her.
and i was left pondering my move the whole night.
"does she really want to meet me? what if she doesnt? what if i go back, and she doesnt meet me? what will i have gone back for? is it still worth it going back? should i?"
i was being incredibly, really stupid, you know.
but she told me later on, that she really did. and it was a pity i couldnt go back.

and i realised that this fear has been leading me nowhere.
i thought i was past this fear. apparently not.
i felt like an idiot. a really really big idiot.
but a rush of relieve did overwhelm me.

i dont know what to do about this fear of mine.
but i think i have a hunch.
for now, sorry kanna, for not being able to make it.
see you in the summer =)

happy cny.